i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Two words: nipple clamps
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