you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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