If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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