my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
