at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
