Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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