my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
