On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
