I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
