the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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