1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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