Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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