After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
