So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's shark week go big or go home
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
