i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
