3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
