Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
