he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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