I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
