When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
