Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
