Swine flu. Run for my life!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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