This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
