i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
