My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
