It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
