Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Come share oat with me in your robe
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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