my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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