i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
