Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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