By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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