I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Life is so much better after having sex.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
