Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
