The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
