After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
