mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
