I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
