I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
