I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Floor bacon is actually really good
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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