just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
