I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
