Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
