happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My dick has a subreddit
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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