I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
