I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so let's talk penis.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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