i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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