One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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