I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
