dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
