2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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