He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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