yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
