Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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