Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
